It has been a rough week. I haven’t felt like doing much at all. Writing seemed like a daunting task that I just couldn’t even try to begin. I think I was letting all the emotions process from the last 8 posts!

So, let me tell you about some of our recent struggles. My middle daughter, Alyssa is fifteen. She is generally very “chill” and very easy to please. But underneath all of the “etiquette”‘ is a very angry and opinionated young lady. She let some of her anger out this week. Although it was hard for Tom and I to hear, it was so very good for her to release.

We were sitting at the dinner table trying to enjoy a meal as a family and we went around the table sharing our “how was your day” stories. When it was Alyssa’s turn she was very short and really, just not very nice. Tom was not going to allow her to be so shut down. I could feel a blow-up festering…for all of us.

Her outburst went something like this:

“You know how my day was? It was shit. I am tired of not having my own room. I am tired of not having my own space. I am tired of the fact that we are on food stamps and public transportation and that I am one of the “free-lunch” kids at school. All you have to do all day long mom, is make us dinner. Here I am getting up every morning and going to school. Working my butt off in class all day, then I run a writing club on Tuesday’s and I work three days a week at a crappy fast food job. So, yeah, not only did my day suck, but my life sucks too.”

And then there was Tom’s outburst:

“Now wait a minute! All your mom does is make dinner? You are ungrateful for the roof over your head, the food in your belly, and the clothes on your back. You aren’t grateful for the arrangements we have made to make sure you can get to and from school every day and that you can get back and forth to your clubs and your job?”

And then my outburst:

“Is the grass so much greener on the other side? You want to go live with your dad? You have been there for ONE WEEKEND. He takes care of you for TWO DAYS in the last 4 months and suddenly his place is the place to be. You are ungrateful. Sorry, my lazy ass didn’t just pull your butt out of your over privileged school and make you go to school where EVERYONE is on Free-lunch. You will sit your ass down tonight and make a list of all the things you are grateful for. And you will be doing all the dishes tonight!”

Ok, so that didn’t go over so well. Her gratitude list went something like this:

I am grateful for:

Item 1: DAD, mom, tom

Item 2: my phone

Item 3: my laptop

And on and on with friends, school, work….but mostly the list was a slap in the face.

I was irate and Tom wasn’t feeling great about it either. It took a few days for us to recover from that and although she half-way apologized for “being harsh”, I sit here in fear of what Tuesday will bring. She is spending a long weekend with her dad. Although I am glad to see he is stepping up and spending more time with the kids, I wonder when the “Disneyland dad adventure” will end and she will come back broken-hearted and disappointied and now, I feel like what Tom and I provide, just isn’t ever going to be good enough.

There are so many things that we have to get through with Alyssa. She tries to stay out of the way and tries to stay low-key, but I know there is so much brewing inside. She has declared herself A-sexual and is in a “commited” online relationship with a girl her age from Canada. Although Alyssa has “come out” to us, and shared her feelings about this girl with us, the other girl has not told her mother about Alyssa and my fear is a deep heartache for my daughter when this other kid, decides that this online relationship will never turn into anything real-life and ends it. A mother can’t help but fear this heartbreak for her children. I have a lot to say about Alyssa’s “choice” but I am leaning on grace and love and although I love my daughter, I do not condone homosexual relationships. I also don’t condone lying, or disobedience. One is no different from the other in the eye’s of the Lord, so I am not going to make a “cause” out of turning my daughter “straight”. All I can do is love her through her struggles, try to point her to the Lord and try like hell not to have angry outbursts when she shares her feelings.

Being a mom continues to be so hard, especially with all the pregnancy hormones surging and tempting my temper!

James 1:20 is a good warning:

for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

~Gem the angry

Me and My Alyssa

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